This story is part ofย The Wall of Wombs, our 2024 exhibition sharing honest, deeply personal journeys of motherhood.ย
What youโre reading is a direct transcription of a spoken story โ shared bravely, in the speakerโs own words.
Listen to this story and explore others atย wallofwombs.com.
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My journey to motherhood was surprising. My first child was a surprise baby, which was interesting in terms of the emotions that youโve got to process to get to that point. Itโs a combination of excitement, fear, and happiness. Itโs wild.
But after my second pregnancy, which was not a surprise, itโs more a lot of gratitude. I think for me, why I was interested in being part of this is Iโve had a lot of health issues in terms of my body. Now, coming out of my second pregnancy, itโs more pride in what my body has been able to do and how itโs withstood two pregnancies with existing issues. Iโve created two beautiful children, and now itโs just gratitude Iโm left with.
Iโve had three spinal surgeries. I had quite severe scoliosis as a child. Iโve had two corrective surgeries and one quite extensive infection, and Iโve still got hardware in my spine holding it up. So the fact that Iโve been able to carry two pregnancies to term successfully, I think, has been pretty impressive. On top of that, two C-sections. I feel like my bodyโs been cut open into pieces so many times, but somehow itโs still functioning. For me, more so after this pregnancy than my first, I just feel really proud of what itโs achieved despite going through so many issues.
In my first pregnancy, I was in the hospital getting monitored for preeclampsia, and my obstetrician came in and she said, โYouโre having a baby tomorrow. Weโre having the C-section. This is how itโs got to happen.โ With my back being the way it is, it was very much a question mark in terms of how it would cope with labour. My doctor said to me, โOkay, well, you know, you could be fine, but if it goes bad, itโs probably going to go really bad. Thereโs probably not going to be like a middle ground in terms of recovery.โ
And I think as well, probably the most nerve-wracking part of the whole experience, not so much the C-section because, as I said, Iโve had more severe surgeries in the past. That part didnโt scare me. What terrified me was the spinal tap for the caesarean because, obviously, thereโs so much trauma in that area. And my spineโs still twisted, so they had to get my X-rays out and look at them, and the first time it didnโt work. It was just really hard to remain calm while that was all going on. But I mean, it was small in the scheme of the whole process, but just that element of someone putting another huge needle into my already damaged spine was quite stressful.
In terms of recovery, it helps that I have already had spinal surgeries before. It was kind of like I knew what to do and how to protect my body from healing, rather than I knew what I was capable of and what I wasnโt capable of, purely from experience. But I can imagine if you hadnโt had a C-section before, it would be a lot more difficult. I knew what my body could sort of manage.
Going through this process with having the cast taken off your body three months postpartum is a little bit confronting, to be honest. But I think if youโd have asked me to do this after my first pregnancy, I would have said absolutely not. But now, I look at the whole thing with a different light after having my second. Again, so much gratitude, which probably gave me the guts to do something like this. It is very vulnerable.
I think as well, weโre shown so many images of women snapping back and looking like they never had a baby, but in reality, thatโs not true. Thatโs not how it works. You canโt make a person for nine months, and your body stretches and does all these things, and then potentially feeds that baby and not expect it to have any changes. I think we just need to shift our perspectives.
Everyoneโs so harsh on themselves a lot of the time as well. But really, I just think you just made a person, and itโs long-term as well. Like you canโt expect your body to go through that and look exactly the same as it did before you had children. Thatโs just not realistic.