This story is part of The Wall of Wombs, our 2024 exhibition sharing honest, deeply personal journeys of motherhood.
What you’re reading is a direct transcription of a spoken story — shared bravely, in the speaker’s own words.
Listen to this story and explore others at wallofwombs.com.
I think my first year of motherhood, I would say it’s one of the loneliest experiences I’ve ever had. Just, with the shift in identity, the shift in the relationships that I had with friends, with family members, with people that I really thought would join with me on the experience.
I have a very difficult relationship with my own mother. Over the years, we’ve been in and out of having a relationship and that was very evident over my pregnancy and over the first year and a half now. We are currently in no contact, and it’s the first time that it has actually been my decision to not have a relationship with my mother because I absolutely thought now that I have my little girl, the importance of being healthy and being stable and protecting her from harm.
I have grieved the mother that I wish that I had. I wish that I had my mum being able to support me through all the changes of pregnancy and that I had someone to go to with all these questions that I had, and even now, what do I do with this scenario and what are some tips that you have that can really help with this experience? I remember feeling extreme anger and disappointment and also just a lot of sadness. It felt unfair, but I think coming out of that first year haze, I feel like I’ve come through a lot of reflection and I’ve been able to sit with those feelings a lot more.
I think, “Wow, that was really hard.” I think it was really a profound moment for me when I made that decision that I can’t continue this relationship in the way that it is. And so I felt really proud and really, you know, I guess in a way that there’s a lot of healing happening with me because of my daughter. And it just felt, yeah, it was really a beautiful moment, hard on one hand, obviously to make that decision, but also really empowering and beautiful that I’m finally being able to do that because of the help of my child.
During my pregnancy, I had a team of midwives that I saw regularly, and they checked in on me regularly, and so I knew them, they knew me, they knew my story, and they knew about my experience, and really tried to hold me around that, suggesting a really beautiful group that I’m so grateful I joined. It was called “Becoming Great Mothers,” and it was for women who were about to become mums that had experienced a level of childhood trauma, and it was incredible to be joined with women who shared that experience, who were also a bit nervous about what that means now that they’re going to be mums.
However, I think I did feel that it sort of drops off once a baby is no longer a newborn. I feel like and even possibly before that sort of like, “Okay, you’re good now off you go.” I think it also feels like a disservice to new mums that there isn’t more outreach or more checking in on a health care level, but also, like a personal level. I know that there are a lot of services that you can reach out for help and that are available to new mums, but it can take a lot for people to access that actually when you are struggling or you are reconciling all of these big emotions and experiences.
I don’t feel as though it was as supportive. I didn’t feel as strong in that first year. I think I’ve come out of this whole experience, even though I’m very much still in it and I feel such a strong sense of exactly what you’re doing with this whole project is like sharing to other people that they don’t feel alone and that they can connect and join that experience because it can be very lonely. And so I think being able to draw on connections where you have a similar experience or we don’t have the opposite ends of the spectrum where it’s completely traumatic or it’s completely the most beautiful experience that you’ve ever had. It’s all these nuances in between that make people feel connected and that their experience is okay is really important. It’s really important.